Dear Diary

I got a DUI a couple weeks ago and got arrested. I only had two beers in me but I pulled out of the gas station without my lights on and turned them on when I noticed that they were off. Just my luck, a patrol car was behind me and pulled me over for driving at night without my headlights on. The Officer could smell the beer on my breath and arrested me. I have already been to my first court appointment and applied for a Public Defender. I was ordered by the Judge to attend two AA meetings a week and to go to therapy for one year. I have stopped drinking and made it to the 12 day of sobriety, but the first four days were hell. It is now the morning after Halloween, 2006 and without alcohol to deaden my brain cells, my schizophrenia has come out of remission and my brain is hyperactive. I can only sleep three to four hours a night and I have terrible nightmares that wake me up. Being awake is not any better because I hallucinate constantly and do not know how to defend myself against the ghosts and demons that continually haunt me. My life seems to be like Halloween 365 days a year. I think I ought to commit myself to the rubber room and sit down and try to get some help in recovering, but it has only helped me but temporarily in the past. The ghosts even haunt me and torment me as I write this to myself. It is strange, but all the ghosts are spirits of people that I actually met in the past. Two of them, Paul and Hawa, were lovers that caught AIDS and haunt me because they want me to catch the disease and die like they did. One of the spirits is the ghost of my Junior High and High School sweetheart and I cannot fathom why she haunts me. This has been going on for 18 years now. I just wish it would end. I was under such duress once before like this in 1994 and tried to commit suicide with pills and alcohol and I was taken to the hospital to have my stomach pumped. Not fun. I don't know what else to do because my pills and meds are not effective against the demonic hallucinations anymore. I read the Bible daily and pray, but God has abandoned me and left me to fend for myself. I am at my wits end, I am at the end of the rope and I cannot hold on much longer. Goodbye cruel world.